Run, Don't Walk

If you haven't gotten a flu shot yet this year you need to stop reading right now, get in your car and go get a flu shot. Because I just lived through Flu Type A and it was horrid, terrible, awful, miserable and traumatic.

It started with mild cold symptoms that I didn't pay much attention to. My kids are always bringing home garbage from school and I usually pick up a couple bugs each season. Whatever. I'm over it.

So Thursday night I was really starting to feel excessively lousy and I told Chase I needed a baby free night to sleep off some of my sickness. So he camped out in the girls' room to be on Haley Duty.

Around 4:30 in the morning I realized I was getting sicker and by 6:30 when my alarm went off I realized I couldn't get out of bed. Like, literally could not move my body out of the bed under my own power. And I had a fever and really bad chills and every fiber of my body hurt.

So Chase, who has probably taken one sick day the entire time we've been married, was petitioned gently and then not-so-gently by his invalid wife to arrange to work from home.

Except guess who didn't bring home his laptop?

This was my response: "Just take the kids with you to the office and get it and come back."

(His office being 30 minutes away and our kids being, well, our kids.)

And this was his response: "Uh...okay."**

Bless his heart he made it work. He's in the middle of an audit; and filing taxes; and approaching month-end and he made it work. I love that man of mine. But really, there wasn't going to be another way because - again - I literally couldn't get out of bed. And there was the minor detail of not being allowed to be near Haley (my other kids/husband have all had their flu shots, but Hales it too little to have it and I just plain forgot mine).

So let's consider this one of my good deeds for the day. You've been warned! Go get that shot!!!

P.S. The upshot of the whole situation was that the kids really enjoyed their unexpected Day of Dad. And I really enjoyed that the house was clean when I came out of my fever-induced haze. If I wasn't so selfish I would share him. But I am. So you're going to have to go find/train your own Super Husband.

**Because I feel that my dad's head might explode with the prospect of me sending my kids to Chase's office, I want to clarify that he didn't end up taking all the kids to the office with him. It was decided that he would put snacks on the table and PBS on the TV and leave Miles and Sophie in my care. (And by "care" I mean my ability to dial 911 before slipping back into a restless sleep.) Haley did have to go to the office with him, but she is generally well received everywhere she goes.

Here's the the start of a new year

Tomorrow I turn 31. There's a lot I'd like to accomplish in the coming year. Stuff like...

Learn Chinese

Wear just one sequined glove

Eat steak every night for dinner

Become a vegetarian

Perform in the Blue Man Group

Learn to base jump

Train a rat to take over the cooking, open famous restaurant staffed entirely by rats, get rave reviews

Sit down at the piano at Nordstroms and just start playing

Attend a Radiohead concert, invite Thom Yorke to live with us (I think he'd say yes)

Learn the lyrics to all of those really hard to understand Pearl Jam songs

Craft new living room furniture using online tutorials, supplies from Hobby Lobby and vat of a Mod Podge

Wear the same outfit everyday for a month just to see if anyone is paying attention. Plus how nice would that be to not have to think about what you're going to wear for an entire month? SIGN. ME. UP.

Adopt a highway

Ride an elephant

Learn morse code

Write a successful series of young adult novels about sexy vampires who don't drink the blood of humans. Or write a successful series of young adult novels about a dead horse that was kicked over and over and over and over and over again

Knit myself a custom snuggie

Earn a spot in the Harlem Boys Choir

So yeah. It's a good thing I've got a whole year ahead of me.

Open Letter to Dad

Good morning, Pop. How are you feeling this fine day? You're looking rather well. Is that a new shirt? It sets off your tan nicely, I must say. Speaking of tans, have you been hitting the links? You look so well-rested.

How am I? Oh, just fantastic. Thank you for asking.

But let's get down to business. I have a proposition for you.

How about you let me keep mom. We can maybe arrange a custody situation wherein I get to keep her and you can visit her - here - as often as you like. Really, we wouldn't mind that at all!

See, I'm just not sure if I'm ready, or able, to give her up. I'm having a hard time picturing my days without a nap in them. And she's just so darn good with my kids, what with the loving and spoiling and all. I just don't know if I can bear to let her return to Pee-Yay. I'm sure you can understand this, as I know you're quite fond of her as well.

So what say you, Father? I really think once you've had a chance to mull it over you'll see my side of things and agree that, as usual, I'm right about this.

Love,

Your sixth (and favorite) child.

Oh What Do You Do in the Summer Time?

(Sung to the tune of Oh What do you do in the summer time?)

Oh what do you do in the summer time,

when you're big and wide and big?

Do you lay on your bed

and whine in your head

or silently curse a lot?

Is that what you do?

So do I!

 

Oh what do you do in the summer time,

when everyone else is thin.

Do you wear the same thing

but not your wedding ring

because you don't fit in it?

Is that what you do?

So do I!

 

Oh what do you do in the summer time,

when your pelvis is dislocated?

Do you waddle a lot

and sweat 'cause you're hot

and not cook for anyone?

Is that what you do?

So do I!

Total Eclipse of the Heart

Sooooooo, I saw Eclipse. I got a babysitter last week and went to a matinee where Kathleen and I sat in entirely uncomfortable seats trying to ignore our back pain, contractions and loss of lung capacity.

So, you know, we had a great time. And the movie proved to be a raging success when compared to it's predecessors. Bravo, David Slade. Bravo.

But since my brain is getting all mushy and jello-like, I will turn you over to Eric D. Snider for his review, and as per the usual, his Rejected Eclipse Screenplay.

Enjoy.

 

p.s. You should also read  his Twilight and New Moon screenplays. The man is a genius.

Because it's safe to say that most people are on vacation and won't be reading this anyway.

And therefore, I may whine.

WHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

35 weeks pregnant.

Ginormo baby.

Seriously. She's actually ginormo. Already. Well, she was 2 weeks ago and I'm pretty sure she's gotten bigger since then since that's what babies seem to do.

And now moving forward.

Wait, did I mention that I'm also really hot? Even in my newly insulated, radiant barriered home I'm feeling like I'm in a sauna.

I blame that on the baby, too.

Also, I blame the weird rash on my face on her.

Clearly the poor girl is going to be born with a lot of emotional baggage. But I'm sure I'll forgive her as soon as she's done dancing the cha-cha on my spleen every night.

Okay, really moving forward. Have I mentioned that Eclipse comes out this week? Have you noticed a measurable difference in my level of excitement about this movie versus the past two movies? I can assure you that I am no less excited. I really think this movie promises to be the best of the three. I've seen my fair share of clips and it looks quite good, to be honest. And I DID have a New Moon watching party last week in which like 20 of my girlfriends came over and none of us really watched the movie (except for the kissy-face parts...oddly we all became somewhat silent during those parts). But we did have fun eating junk food off of Edward and Jacob plates (thanks, Jen) and I'm pretty sure no one realized that I had a cooler full of water bottles, so people were probably thirsty the whole time. Which is appropriate because vampires are thirsty all the time, too. So maybe it was a sub-conscious effort on their part to really relate to the movie.

This time around I've decided to forego the midnight showing. Because after approximately 9 PM I am basically disabled. I could probably qualify for a special handicap tag for my car, except that when am I ever driving past 9 PM? Never. That's when.

So on Wednesday I'm getting a babysitter, going to my doc appt. (because I go to those a lot), and then I'm going to a matinee. I may or may not be all by myself. And I'm truly okay with it. Me, a diet coke, a tub of popcorn and a frigid movie theater is probably the most romantic thing I can think of right now. I'm practically drooling just thinking of it.

You know it's hot when...

The weatherman stops giving you the temperature in actual degrees and instead just lists in which circle of hell you are currently residing.