Hey! Ms. Rosen! Over here. Or should I say DOWN here! Can you see me? Your nose is kinda high up there, so I can't tell? Do I have your attention?
So, man. You're having quite a day, huh? I mean, your hair is STUNNING! Who does your highlights? Kudos to them on a job well done.
But, is it just me, or are you feeling kinda stressed? You seem like maybe you could use a vacation. I have an idea! Let's switch jobs!!! You can take over my ultra-lazy job as nothing but a stay-at-home-mom and I'll do your interviews. I've been trying to get on TV, like, FOREVER. Is it cool if I leave you with a list of instructions for while you're here getting some much needed R 'n' R?
Okay, first, there are four kids. I know, that's a lot. But seriously. Not a big deal. Just make sure you feed them at least five times each day. The boys are in school, so get up early and throw together a couple lunches. Just be sure not to put any junk food in there. I'm kinda picky about that. No lunchables, k?
Backpacks on and get 'em out the door by 7:30 sharp or they'll be late.
The girls are pretty easy. Sophia will probably throw her first tantrum by about 7:35 because you don't let her turn on the TV. The important thing is to NOT GIVE IN. It may last all day, but again, no biggie. Haley isn't speaking yet (yeah, still waiting to see what that's all about), so you'll have to make sure to repeat all your words like a billion times so she knows that APPLE means APPLE. And then you can decipher her sign language from there. She is also still in diapers, so stay on that, okay? She gets rashes really easily.
So yeah. I think that's it! Have a great time! I'll see you soon!
Oh wait, crap. No. Um, can you clean up the kitchen after each meal? And can you throw a couple loads of laundry in? I promise it's super easy. Please be sure to use the laundry soap that I make because it's hypo-allergenic and it's easier on the budget (and the environment). Oh, and speaking of the budget - just maybe sit down and pay the bills and enter all of the spending into the spreadsheet?
Whew! So that's it. Done now. You'll be great at this!!
Shoot. No. Sorry. I forgot - can you put together the student directory for the PTA? And just type up a quick newsletter for all the parents. And you know, the fun run is coming up so you'll need to be there to mind the corners or the students might try to cut through. Yeah, you'll need to take the girls too, so bring the stroller and the sunscreen - don't forget Haley's part or she'll get a sunburn on her scalp. And since you'll be out, you should stop at the gym for an hour or so. Us stay-at-home-moms are so lazy we often get fat! LOL!
I feel like I'm forgetting something...Oh, right. Don't forget Haley's nap. Then there's carpool. And please engage with Sophia in some meaningful mother-daughter diaglogue so that we will still have a strong relationship when she's a teenager. And homework! Make sure both boys get spelling, math and reading done - and sign their folders! And please deal with any discipline issues that may have come up during the day. Those can be real doozies. And would it be okay if my 9 piano students stop by for a lesson? And cub scouts is Wednesday! Don't miss it! Also, there's a family at church that just had some bad news and they could really use a visit, and maybe a meal? Just throw something easy in the oven like lasagna, homemade rolls and an apple pie. Oh! And on Saturday you'll be running the community food co-op, just FYI.
Okay, that's really it! I'm sure of it. This job is so easy it practically DOES ITSELF, amiright?! ROFL!
Don't get hooked, though! Because I love this job, so I'm totally taking it back from you as soon as I'm done hanging out with all 360 of Anderson Cooper. Oop! They need me in makeup now, so you're on your own! Oh, did you bring your pillow? That's weird. Didn't anyone tell you you don't need a pillow for this job? You are too funny!