I'm pretty excited to share the newest Olympic sport! It's neat because it's one of those combination sports, like some kind of -athalon. It's called "Trying to Walk Through My House Without Breaking a Limb." I'm hoping that as it catches on it will be known by the more commonly recognized names, like, "Watch Out, Watch Out, Watch Out!"; "Who Left THAT There?!"; "Ooh, I Think That's Gonna Leave a Mark"; "Freaking Toys!"; and the ever-popular "Didn't I Just Clean This Place Up?!"
The event begins with the Hurdle through the kitchen over the baby gate and moves right into the High Jump over the lego tower. Next is the 10 meter dash to catch the naked boy before he makes it to the mail box (to say hi to the mailman, of course), which goes seamlessly to the triple jump down the broken front stair. Gymnastics comes next as the athlete gracefully tumbles back through the front door after tripping on the muddy shoes (tripping required; missing the trip is a deduction) placed directly in front of the entrance instead of to the side as a reasonable person would do. After the tumbling portion the athlete will skillfully complete a cross-living-room-dive to catch the baby who was just pushed off of the ottoman (placed there, no doubt, by officials). The event comes to a close with the athlete scrambling to her feet for a soccer-style goalie maneuver to catch the truck that was launched at the TV screen.
The event will appear at the Winter and Summer Olympics.