Here's an oldie but a goodie. Since I got a bee sting on the bottom of my foot last night - which has rendered me swollen and pretty much useless...and I'm being a big crybaby about it - I have some free time on my hands. I was cleaning out my email inbox and found some old emails from '06. Specifically I found one where I sent out some newly-taken family pictures. In the email I said, "How cute is my family? Seriously, I want an essay from each of you. At least 350 words about how cute my family is and why you think they're going to change the world. It's due a week from Tuesday."
In true Alyssa fashion she actually wrote an essay.

How Cute is the Rawlins Family?

By: Alyssa Sage

Although it may be hard to determine a scale with which to measure “cuteness”, it is easy to see that the Rawlins family is, indeed, very cute by any standard. Dictionary.com defines “cute” as “attractive, especially in a dainty way; pleasingly pretty.” This definition has been used to create a cuteness scale based on units called “megasmiles”. The scale ranges from a score of “dismally unattractive” at the lowest end, to “maximally adorable” at the highest end. I believe that I can assign a score to the Rawlins family, indicating just how cute the Rawlins family is.

Judging by the photo evidence provided, the Rawlins family is composed of two somewhat dorky parents, and two outrageously adorable little boys. While the presence of the parents may seem to negatively skew their score on the “cuteness” scale, the ridiculous cuteness of the bouncing baby boys seems to balance out this factor. This places the Rawlins family in the category of “Highly, to Supremely Cute.”

Although the story seems to end there, we must take into consideration other mitigating factors. For instance, the alpha female appears to have dressed the family in matching outfits. Again, ridiculously cute. This adds at least 5.7 megasmiles to their overall score. Additionally, the alpha male appears to have positioned himself in a manner mimicking the actions of his offspring. This enhances the alpha male’s cuteness by association, thus increasing the score by yet another 4.2 megasmiles. Lastly, the photo depicting the playful relationship between the mother and her offspring shows that the Rawlins family is not only cute in appearance, but in their demeanor as well. This adds an astonishing 12 megasmiles to the overall score!

After careful calculation and examination of all evidence provided, I believe that it is safe to say that the Rawlins family falls neatly into the category of “maximally adorable”. The cuteness scale doesn’t lie, and megasmiles are not easily awarded. It is my estimation that fewer than 1 in 1000 families can achieve this rating of cuteness. The Rawlins family should be looked upon as a fine specimen of the human genome. The offspring (largely accountable for the high score) may even be the perfect specimen with which to create an army of ridiculously cute clones.

In conclusion, I would like to reiterate that the Rawlins family achieved a score of “maximally adorable” on the cuteness scale, based on their overall accumulation of “megasmiles”. I believe that the photo evidence provided confirms my findings and illustrates how the Rawlins family is supersaturated with cuteness.